PARENTS’ QUESTIONS ON CHILD DISCIPLINE Nadine Block The following are answers to questions that have been sent to the Center for Effective Discipline. Answers are given by Nadine Block, Director and retired school psychologist unless otherwise noted. Circumstances and names have been changed for privacy purposes. We are unable to answer all questions submitted. Questions can be sent to info@stophitting.org. Teenage Issues Q. My l5 year-old daughter’s room is a pigsty! She promises to clean it but never does. How can I get her to start cleaning her room on a regular basis? D.A. A. Teenagers have lots of priorities that often don’t include wanting to be around the house or engaged in keeping it orderly. Some parents give up on getting teens to keep clean rooms saying that there are only so many things they want to fight about and clean rooms don’t seem important. In actuality, learning how to and doing chores around the house are important because they gives teens basic domestic survival skills they will need when they leave home. Accomplishing home chores also gives them self-confidence, a sense of contributing to the family, and a feeling of self-reliance. It helps if teens have had a history of performing chores since early childhood and see the value of their efforts. If your daughter doesn’t have that history, it’s still not too late for her to learn. Sit down with your daughter and explain your need for order and the reasons she needs to learn to clean her room on a regular basis. Tell her you’d like to clean it with her so you can show her what your idea of a clean room is. As you do so, make a list together of what needs to be done for the room to be clean. You may have to negotiate some things. It can become a checklist for her to do. Have her choose one or two times during the week when she follows her checklist. Sometimes, it’s just making teens see that this is a manageable job and that they’ll feel better when it’s done. Praising the teen for work done according to the standard also helps make it worthwhile for her. That can be verbal, a hug, or even a “Go Girl!” sign on her door. Q. I found some pills in my son’s pocket. I think he’s using drugs. What do I do now? F.L. A. Drug use is the number one worry parents have about teens according to some studies. Teen alcohol and substance use affect a substantial percentage of teens and wreak havoc, not just on themselves, but also on their families. It must have been terribly disturbing to find the pills. The first thing to do is to sit down with your son at a time when you feel you can talk calmly. Share your concerns and ask him what is going on. Find out what he knows about drugs, what kinds of drugs teens are using in his school, what their effects are and what others think about the drug users. Ask what happens to people who use drugs. Talk about the issue of experimentation vs. addiction. Addiction is when the drug or substance becomes more important than anything else in life and one’s life is planned around getting and using. If your family has a history of drug or alcohol addiction, let your son know. Let him know that it makes him more susceptible to addiction problems. Take an honest look at your own use of alcohol and drugs. Your example may not be exemplary. Try to keep an open line of communication with him by not lecturing but by asking questions that make him think. This is too tough a problem for you to handle alone. Seek advice from drug education specialists, Alcoholics Anonymous, or Narcotics Anonymous. Q: I know this section is for parents but I have a problem. I am sixteen years old and my father still hits me. He hits me for dumb things. I don’t think that’s right. What can I do to stop this? MJM A: I’m sorry that your father uses corporal punishment to discipline you. Many young people tell us that they feel angry, hurt and humiliated by this. Our laws are not very respectful of children. Only children can be hit according to the law. We can’t hit spouses, or neighbors, or even the neighbor’s dog. We hope the laws will be changed to be more protective of children in your lifetime. In the meantime, there are limits to corporal punishment in your state and other states. If there is bruising, protective authorities will usually intervene. If you are injured, you need to tell an adult you trust like a teacher or counselor who will report it. You can also call yourself. Check out LAWS on our website. You will find out about the corporal punishment laws in your state. Do not take physical action against your father. One of the first things you can do is to vow you will never hit your children when you are an adult. You know how destructive this is to your relationship with your father and I’m sure you want to break that cycle. Can you talk to your dad when things are calm and good between you? Maybe you could talk while you are driving in the car or doing something else together. I know that will be hard to do. It's hard to talk about our feelings sometimes. It’s often best if you can talk about how it makes you feel and what you wish he would do instead of hitting if he feels you must be punished. If you are unsuccessful in talking to your dad, is there any other adult you can talk to about this (your mom, an aunt or uncle, a teacher) and who might help you by talking to your dad? Best of luck to you. Get back to us if you need to talk more. Q: My dad used to hit us with boards and belts. I am really angry and hurt about that. I am sure I will never hit my children. I went to talk to him about it and he yelled and said he should have hit us harder. How can I talk to him about that? C.F. A: Many people look back in anger and pain at corporal punishment in childhood. You have a right to be hurt and angry. Your feelings should have been respected. You asked how to talk to him about this. It's likely that your dad was hit by his parents and he thought that was how to teach kids to behave. When you told him how you felt about the beatings, he probably couldn't deal with your pain. Give him a couple of weeks or a month, and try to talk with him again. Ask if he is ready to listen to you. Tell him you just want him to love you and apologize for what happened. If he can't deal with that and you still feel angry and hurt, ask to see a psychologist or other mental health professional. The most important thing is that you have decided not to hit your children. Starting with you, generations of children in your family are more likely to grow up in peace and safety. Q: I baby sit a friend’s boy who is l3. She wants me to discipline him. The parents are very religious and said they’d give me written permission to hit him. Is that legal? CR A: I’m not sure if it is legal but I certainly wouldn’t do it because (l) the boy may defend himself and you might get hurt, (2) his parents could sue you if you leave marks or cause other injuries or they could injure him in a disciplinary act and say you did it, and (3) it doesn’t work. You might tell her a number of authorities have spoken against hitting children of that age (and many have spoken out against hitting children of any age). Dr. James Dobson said in a Quad City Newspaper article (“Quantity, quality vital for time with kids”, 6-3-04) , “Corporal punishment is not effective at the junior and senior high school levels, and I do not recommend its application.” Q: My teenage son hardly speaks to me. He’s mad because I used to spank him when he was younger and getting into trouble at school. We found out it didn’t work and I quit but he’s angry about it and doesn’t want to talk about it. FL A: I'm sure you have apologized but he doesn’t want to hear it. You may want to do it again, in writing, so he can read and re-read it. Don't explain why again. He's heard that, and can't relate to that. Try to imagine all the ways the spankings may have affected him in his life, and put those thoughts in your letter, to convey that you have deeply thought about this. For example, it may have made it difficult for him to trust, or to know what it means to be a man, or to feel comfortable with the idea of ever having children himself. Those are just a few starters for you. And of course at the end, again apologize, and tell him you are asking his forgiveness and a fresh start. Tell him why you love about him, what makes you proud, and why you want to have a good father-son relationship. (Answer from Dr. Robert Fathman, a clinical psychologist and President of the Center for Effective Discipline) (top)