PARENTS’ QUESTIONS ON CHILD DISCIPLINE

Nadine Block

The following are answers to questions that have been sent to the Center for Effective Discipline. Answers are given by Nadine Block, Director and retired school psychologist unless otherwise noted.

Circumstances and names have been changed for privacy purposes. We are unable to answer all questions submitted. Questions can be sent to info@stophitting.org.

School Age Issues

Q. My eight and ten year-old boys are like Cain and Abel. How do I stop them from fighting all of the time? L.V.

A. Most siblings fight. Boys tend to fight more than girls. Perhaps it’s their nature. Perhaps we expect them to fight more and they live up to our expectations. Helping them learn control their aggression and work out problems takes time, patience and thought. If you don’t know how the fight started, it’s important not to take sides – either with the younger or with the older child. If you take sides with one on a regular basis, he’ll see starting a fight as a good way to get his brother in trouble and the other will see your actions as unfair and unloving. If you observe that one child is starting a fight, it’s important to remove the child quickly and discuss what you saw and why it must stop. Perhaps you can institute a reward chart for him using a positive action that would avoid the fight. Sometimes in frustration, parents hit one or both children. Hitting them because they are hitting one another is hypocritical at best as you’re saying, “I’m going to hit you because you hit someone”. The goal in discipline is to teach children to solve problems in ways other than hitting. Hitting them will stop their behavior for the moment, but it doesn’t teach children how to deal with problems. Hitting them as punishment sends a message that violence is an acceptable way to solve problems.

Try to find out why they are fighting. Have a quiet discussion at bedtime or other relaxed time about why kids fight and what they can do instead. Some parents say long drives with children in cars provide a good time for family talks. Ask them what they think the consequences for fighting should be. Finding out their reasons for fighting may help you stop a fight before it begins by allowing you to intervene and redirect their attention when you see a build-up of teasing, frustration, stress, overtiredness, and other behaviors. Perhaps you have been comparing them and this has lead to resentment and anger. Perhaps there is a school stressor like bullying or poor grades. Perhaps family members provide a poor example by solving problems with anger and violence. Helping children identify their feelings and look for ways for dealing with them gives them options for solving problems without resorting to hitting one another.

It is important to express your confidence that they can find ways not to fight and that you praise the behavior you like – cooperating, being kind, and helping one another.

Here are some tips that might be helpful:

1. Teach them to stop, think about their feelings, and use words to describe them. You can make them sit on a sofa and not leave until they have described their feelings to one another and come up with a solution together. Instruct them quietly and firmly on this process and sit quietly nearby until they have agreed on a solution. It will probably take repeated times doing this to decrease the fighting.
2. If they are very angry or you are very angry with them, send them to separate rooms until they are ready to come out to talk about feelings and a solution.
When I was a child with four siblings, my parents made it clear that they didn’t like fighting. When we fought, we were sent to the garden to weed. We couldn’t quit until we were had their permission. We went to the garden angry at one another and talked a lot about plans to run away from our “mean” parents. I guess the “mean” parents knew something. We stopped fighting. However, I hate gardening.
3. If you think they are using you as an audience, have them go to a room together and not come out until they have a solution to the problem.
4. If your efforts to control fighting aren’t working or if your family regularly uses verbal abuse or acts physically aggressive to one another, you need to seek counseling. Your pediatrician, school psychologist or school counselor may be sources for names of mental health practitioners who have experience and success in working with children’s emotional/social problems.

Q. My wife jumps up to make a completely new meal for our seven-year-old daughter every time she complains about the dinner being served. I think she’s making her a little tyrant! T.D.

A. Food shouldn’t be an issue that leads to power struggles but in many families it is just that. It’s a parent’s job to put healthy food on the table and children should be able to decide how much they want to eat. If a child dislikes certain foods, a simple alternative should be pre-planned with the child. Perhaps a peanut butter sandwich or a bowl of cereal and fruit could be established alternatives. The child should be in charge of preparing them. It is important to have healthy snacks like fruit and vegetables for between meal hungers. Making a child sit at the table until her food is eaten, serving the same food for the next meal, sending her to dinner without food, or bargaining over what is to be eaten and how much lead to stressful dinners and an overemphasis on food. Will your wife’s caving in to your daughter on food make her a little tyrant as you suggest? It is giving your child a power that she shouldn’t have and certainly won’t cure finicky eating problems.

Q. My son had a horrible school year this past year. His teacher took a dislike to him, made nasty remarks to him, and found ways to punish him for trivial things. While he didn't complain a lot, parents of his classmates came to me with their concerns about his treatment. Please give me suggestions for dealing with this. CA

A. I'm so sorry that your son had such a difficult situation this year. How fortunate he is to have a parent who talks with him about his feelings. How fortunate that he is able to talk about his feelings! Many children would have to "stuff" these feelings because they don't feel it is safe to talk about them or don't know how to do that. We need to be especially alert to boys being able to do that because society doesn't encourage boys to be sensitive to their feelings.

I'd talk with him about what could be learned from such a situation-such as there are "mean" people in this world. That is a reality. How does one defend oneself against such people? Adults have options that children don't. Adults can often quit a job when there is a mean boss. For children, talking to a caring adult is one solution. Giving oneself helpful messages is another way (i.e. "she thinks I'm really stupid but I am not")

What else can one do? Does the principal know about this? Would some of the parents who talked to you go with you to the principal to urge supervision and counseling of this teacher? If the principal isn't helpful, you might go to a member of the school board to discuss options for the board to take. This won't change your child's experience, but it may help some other children and it shows your child that adults try to make situations better by taking action.

You might also ask that the principal be sensitive to your son's placement next year as he needs to have a positive educational experience.

Q: Is it “corporal” punishment if you make kids do handwriting exercises as a punishment for misbehavior? D.A.

A: We don’t have a position on this. I personally think if this is done for a few sentences with a brief discussion of why it is being done before and after, it wouldn’t be harmful. The age of the child and the duration of the punishment have to be considered. It won’t be more effective by making the task longer. Like time-out, punishment writing can be ineffective and even abusive if done too long or if you do it as a punishment too often. Words work best in changing behavior. The child should understand what he/she has done wrong and what needs to be done next time. Your concern about the misbehavior stated firmly, respectfully and quietly along with the expected behavior next time is the real motivator for change.

Q: I am a grandmother whose grandchildren have their mouths washed out with soap as a punishment by their parents. I am very concerned.

A: Soap is not meant fo human consumption. It can be mixed with water and put in a spray bottle to coat houseplants as an insecticide. A look at the bottle will show many harmful ingredients, and a call to the manufacturer's 800 line will surely result in a reply that says "don't do that." Some soap products have lye in them, which is corrosive to the mucosal membranes of the mouth and throat. It is not a food product and should never be ingested.

I am not aware of any laws that directly speak to this issue, but as a mental health professional who treats children and families in my practice, I can tell you it is harmful and should never be done. Whether or not is meets a legal definition of abuse probably depends on your state, and your particular protective services agency. You can call them and discuss it with a "child abuse caseworker," anonymously. Could you also contact the child's doctor and alert him or her to this practice, suggesting that it be brought up on the next visit? From: Robert Fathman, PhD co-chair of EPOCH-USA

Q: My 9 year-old son hits himself or slaps himself in the face when he is frustrated. What can I do to stop that? JK

A: Some children are awfully hard on themselves. It may due to temperament. Maybe adults in their families or schools are hard on them. Sometimes adults provide poor models for handling frustration. Sometimes we don’t know why children do it. It becomes a habit. Habits can be broken. You might try helping him say kind words to himself when he makes mistakes. He may be saying to himself “I’m stupid” or something like that. Tell him he should say “Everyone makes mistakes” and he should stop hitting himself. After he does that, ask him what he can do to fix the problem. Be a model for that. When you make a mistake, say “Everyone makes mistakes” and say how you’ll fix the problem. Try keeping a chart for him and giving a star or check for every day that goes by without hitting himself and for saying “Everyone makes mistakes” when he is frustrated. Praise him for his successes. While habits can be broken, sometimes it takes time. Give this process a few weeks. If you cannot help him, make an appointment with a mental health professional in your community who deals with children and seek that person's advice.

Q: My l2-year old daughter lies a lot. I've tried everything, spanking, push-ups, grounding, taking away things, etc. but nothing works. Please help.

A: You are right to conclude that punishments like spanking and push-ups don't correct the problem. Punishments typically aggravate lying because children lie even more to avoid such punishments.

All children lie sometimes so we don't want to blow it out of proportion. As a general suggestion, never set up a child to lie by asking a question where you already have an answer. For example, if the school reports your daughter cut class that day, don't ask her what you already know. Say instead, "Let's talk about why you skipped class today. Did you have problems with your homework? Is there something I can do to help?" When things are quiet and there hasn't been any recent conflict, sit down with your daughter and ask why she lies. Listen carefully and don't criticize the answer. Tell her that you know she knows this is a bad habit and you will help by setting up a sticker chart. For every day with all truthful answers, she gets a sticker. After she gets a certain number of stickers like 5 or 7, an award that you work out together will be given. You might also want to set up some time with a mental health specialist who works with children to help you get additional coaching tips. Robert Fathman,PhD Center for Effective Discipline President.

Q: Our eleven-year old son argues about any request we make. How can we change his behavior?

A: Young people in their pre-teens often challenge authority at home and sometimes at school. It "goes with the territory", but there are things that can be done to help get compliance to requests without arguing (and nagging). Perhaps you and your spouse could sit down and make a not-too-long list of requests that you expect to be obeyed without arguments (like 4 important things). An example might be: "Picks up his clothes when requested". What you want to do is not make the list too long even though there could be many things you'd like to put down. The object is to get him in the habit of obeying without arguing and to make it feel good and have a payoff. You and your spouse might then list a consequence for each item for not obeying the request after you have asked twice. It might be losing his video games for the day - or something that he likes (not hitting him of course). You might come up with a way to acknowledge his compliance on the chart. A certain number of check marks next to the requests (showing he did what he was supposed to do without arguing) for the week might earn something he'd like. You can make a chart of these and you may want to think of it as tentative until you take the next step. After you and your spouse put this together and agree to back one another up, sit down with him -talk to him about the problem of his arguing and how it is affecting you - it is causing you concern and frustration. Ask him why he thinks this is happening and LISTEN without comment. You may revise the plan when you hear what he says but it is more likely that you will need to go on to tell him what you are planning. His input into what he would like (rewards essentially) would help seal his participation. When kids get this age, it's good to get them involved in the problem and the solution and to give them the opportunity to talk without interrupting them.

Put the chart some place where you can both see it daily. Also be sure to praise him for doing what you asked. Kids like to know that they are pleasing you. Do NOT go beyond the number of requests established (it's nagging and gives him a chance to argue) without implementing the consequence and ALWAYS follow through even when it is inconvenient. Best of luck.

Q: My husband is very mean to our son. He yells at our son if he makes a mistake on his homework or if he doesn't finish his food at the dinner table. Sometimes he not only yells but locks our son in the bathroom when he is angry. He won't listen to me.

A: I am sorry that your husband seems to be short-tempered with your children. I am sure that you have tried to talk to him about this at times when things are calm and the children aren't around. Yelling at your son and locking him in the bathroom over not eating all his food at the dinner table is harmful. Did his parents treat him like that? If so, how did he feel about that? How can you change his behavior? It sometimes helps to talk about how the harmful behavior (yelling at your son and locking him in the bathroom) makes you feel - sad, frightened, worried. Talking about how you feel usually works better than criticizing or complaining. Some men (and women too) are hypersensitive to what they consider "criticism". You could ask him if what he is doing is working (I am sure it isn't) and whether he would consider trying something else. Perhaps after telling him how you feel, you both might work on one problem, like the eating issue. Catching children being "good" is far better than punishment. Children want to please their parents and are more likely to respond to this kind of treatment in a positive way. If you try this and it works, be sure to tell your husband how much more you enjoyed dinner, how much more peaceful it was. Your husband will react to praise too. Have you ever attended a parenting program to get tips on discipline? Many communities have parenting programs that deal with positive discipline.-- churches, mental health offices, schools. I would ask my husband to go with me, if I were you. If he won't go, you can go and at least get the support of other folks.

Talk to the school counselor or school psychologist about the homework issue. Maybe they would help you talk to your husband about the kinds of parental support for homework that is helpful.

Have you gone to a mental health specialist about this? When it is impossible to have a discussion with a spouse, a third party may be helpful in showing better ways to deal with eating and home work issues. There are frequently counselors in the community who will treat people on a sliding fee basis (on what you can pay). If your husband won't go, you should go by yourself. You need some support. I'm sorry you have to deal with this kind of behavior and hope that something in my response may be helpful.

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