PARENTS’ QUESTIONS ON CHILD DISCIPLINE

Nadine Block

The following are answers to questions that have been sent to the Center for Effective Discipline. Answers are given by Nadine Block, Director and retired school psychologist unless otherwise noted.

Circumstances and names have been changed for privacy purposes. We are unable to answer all questions submitted. Questions can be sent to info@stophitting.org.

Preschooler Issues

Q. My four year old doesn’t pick up his toys when I tell him. Should I take away his toys for a day or two as punishment? B.F.

A. It’s not too early to expect your four year old to assume some small responsibilities around the home. Assuming responsibilities around the home helps build his confidence and increases his sense of belonging. It helps prepare him for school. Instead of saying “Pick up your toys”, say “We’re going to pick up toys now”. Then get more specific. “I’ll put the blocks in their box. You pick up all of the red toys (or square toys or toys with wheels) and put them on the shelf”. Continue until the toys are picked up. Then praise the result. “Now the room is clean. No one will trip over toys”. Let the child know (l) you expect that he will do this and (2) that you will participate and show him how to do it. Do this each day and try to vary the routine so that it is fun. Follow with praise. After a week or so, you might use a daily chart with a star after each day that he picks up toys by himself. This should work better than punishment.

Q. My five year old, Sydney, whines all of the time. It makes me want to scream! What can I do to stop this irritating behavior? J.B.

A. Somewhere along the way Sydney learned this is a great way to get your attention! We increase children’s behaviors, good and bad, by paying attention to them. It’s important not to let her continue to develop manipulative behaviors like whining.

Try giving her attention in other ways. Give her a big hug on the spur of the moment and say something like “Do you know how much I love you?” Schedule 15 to 30 minutes of special time with her each day when she chooses a quiet activity like playing a game with you and she gets your undivided attention. Eventually she’ll get enough attention and will let you know she has other things to do.

Let her know that whining is irritating to you and that you’ll have to leave the room if she whines (or shut off your ears if you are driving). Tell her you’ll listen when she talks to you quietly and respectfully. Then follow this plan – every time. It will go away!

Q. I don't believe in spanking and don't spank my five year-old son. I am the custodial parent. My ex-husband has visitation with him every other weekend. Can my ex-husband's wife and relatives hit my child when he visits them? My ex-husband won't talk to me about it. C.M.

A. I can understand how uncomfortable this makes you feel. You need to be watchful for bruising injuries and psychological problems related to corporal punishment such as anxiety and bed-wetting . If there is bruising, seek medical treatment quickly, take photos of injuries and make sure it is reported to protective authorities and the police. If you believe psychological problems are developing, see a mental health expert who deals with children.

Will your ex-husband and his wife sit down to talk about this with a third party such as a family therapist or attorney? While all states (except MN) give parents the right to use "reasonable corporal punishment" and 22 states allow schools to use "reasonable corporal punishment," that right is not automatically extended to others. Check your state's laws. If your ex-husband and his wife refuse to meet your concerns, you should speak to an attorney about your options to restrict or end your husband's visitation court order.

Q: My boyfriend thinks my daughter is a spoiled brat and has hit her twice with a belt leaving bruises even though I asked him not to do it. What can I do to get him to change? He’s really a wonderful person, otherwise. P.D.

A: If your boyfriend was really a wonderful person, he would respect your wishes and not abuse your child. Yes, your boyfriend is abusing your child. If someone had reported your daughter’s bruises due to the belt spanking, he would be dealing with protective authorities relative to child abuse. This doesn’t bode well for your relationship and you need to reconsider staying in it.

If you have trouble extricating yourself from the relationship, please see a mental health specialist who will help you. I am sure that individual will tell you that this man should not be around your child and probably not be around you.

Q: My daughter has told me several times that her father, my ex-husband, washes her mouth out with soap. He refuses to stop using this punishment. I want to stop this. Is this corporal punishment?

A: Soap has many harmful chemicals in its composition, and should never, ever be put into children's mouths. I hope you succeed in stopping this practice. Ask your attorney to make the case that this is a form of corporal punishment. Corporal punishment is generally defined as the intentional infliction of physical pain for purposes of reacting to disapproved behavior. The unpleasant taste, the chemical effect, of soap is physically painful, and I hope the courts will consider it so. A child abuse pediatrician at a children's hospital in your area may be willing to write a letter or give a deposition to that effect. You might also call your county childrens’ protective agency. Ask them before telling them why you are calling if your state allows foster parents to wash kids' mouths out with soap. I doubt it. That agency is likely to consider this corporal punishment, or at least as child-harmful and not allowed. They may be able to give you a reference to a state law or to a policy manual that your attorney can then quote in a court filing. Dr. Robert Fathman, President of the Center for Effective Discipline

Q: Our five-year old son frequently refuses to go to timeout when we send him. What can we do? DL

A: Here are some questions to think about. When you give a time-out, do you talk too much or do it in an angry manner? A rule of thumb is to send the child to timeout within l0 seconds of an unacceptable behavior (from a small list of such behaviors that have been explained to the child) for a time that is one minute for each year of the child's age and with no more than l0 calm, measured words by a parent. Parents sometimes overdo it- too many timeouts, too many disapproved behaviors, too much talking, angry words, and being inconsistent in doing it for a certain misbehavior. If you feel confident that you are following the general procedures and still getting refusals, you might want to bring this issue up with your pediatrician or a mental health specialist who deals with children.

Q: One of my co-workers at a preschool sometimes sprays children with water from a bottle if they are doing something wrong and she wants to stop them. Isn't this corporal punishment?

A: "This is done to dogs and cats, for example if a cat jumps on a counter. While it doesn't leave bruises, I would consider it a form of corporal punishment and tell her it is not acceptable. She should ask the person to consider how she would feel if her boss squirted her with the hose from a kitchen sink every time a report was late or inaccurate!" From: Dr. Robert Fathman, President of the Center for Effective Discipline.

I would add that we are trying to help children put their concerns in words and teachers should do likewise, both as an example to children and as persons who have studied how children learn and ought to be demonstrating that knowledge! Thanks for helping to make the world safer and more peaceful for children.

Q: Our four-year old is a picky eater. We haven't spanked her but we've done everything to try to get her to eat a variety of foods. What do you suggest?

A: A study in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition in August 07 studied a large number of picky eaters and determined that 78 percent has a genetic cause and 22 percent is environmental. The article suggested family style service,not forcing food or rewarding eating certain foods, introducing new foods alongside items the child likes, cutting the foods into child-size shapes and sizes, and giving food "cool" names like "power peas". It says that food jags are normal and kids usually grow out of them. So chances are your daughter has inherited this tendency and that she will grow out of it! Patience seems to be the byword here!

Q: How can I go from hitting to talking with my five-year old daughter?

A: Thank you for sending more information about your discipline problem (additional emails from parent to www.stophitting.org).

I can see that you want to do things differently. You recognize that you hit your child in anger - sometimes when you are angry with others. Many parents do that for the same reason and they always feel badly later. Here are a couple of things to try:

l. Think of her misbehavior as a mistake rather than her trying to embarrass you. Think of how you like to be treated when you make a mistake. For example, wouldn't you want people to quietly take you aside and talk to you about it?

2. When you are angry and you might hit her, count to l0 or walk out of the room for a minute or two until you can get calm. Ask yourself, "What do I want her to learn?" I know you don't want her to learn to hit others when she is angry. When you give yourself a "time-out", you have time to think about what you can say to try to help her with her behavior.

3. Here's a little secret that parents tell me does wonders: Catch her being good! Tell her when she asks for something nicely (rather than whines), "Thank you for asking me in your nice voice." Find two or things that bother you and then praise the opposite behavior such as whining (which you don't want to see) and "nice voice" (which you want to see). Praise the nice voice. Why is this so powerful? Because it starts leading you to look for "good behavior" rather than misbehavior and it gives her praise which she so much wants from you.

Is this helpful? Thank you for trying to be the best mom you can be! See how the suggestions help you go from spanking to talking! Nadine

Q: I was in a shopping mall last weekend when I saw a mother hitting and slapping a preschooler. I felt so frustrated but didn't know what to do.

A: It must have been so frustrating seeing a woman slapping and spanking a child and being unsure what to do. We have posted on our website some suggestions:http://www.stophitting.com/disathome/parentSupport/abusive-discipline-in-public-places.php The information may help you devise a plan if you should observe something like this again. If you were in a store, I would try to get the store manager to intervene. I would call the police if I thought the child was being injured. You may be able to calm the mother down and protect the child by taking some of the steps suggested on the link. Thank you for protecting children.

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