Parenting In The Positive
By Debbie Rose

As parents and caregivers I'm sure we can agree that we want to do what is best for our children. If we really search our hearts and are honest we learn that hurting a child, no matter the intention, is not truly in the best interest of the child. Nor is "punishment." But we're at a loss. What's the alternative? Most of us simply know of no other way.

The following are suggestions that have been especially helpful to families, perhaps one just like yours, and they are beneficial for the whole family.

• Be trustworthy. Keep your word and do your best to keep agreements.
• Be a "safe" person your child can talk with and confide in.
• Eliminate from your life whatever you can that takes your patience away from your child.
• Practice stress release techniques. Paint, write, walk, breathe. Make sure you're staying hydrated and drinking enough water. When you're feeling well, you're in a better position to think clearly and be there for your child.
• Be respectful, kind and supportive of one another. Be courteous. Say "please" and "thank you."
• Allow all family members (including toddlers) to contribute to the welfare of the family. This empowers everyone and helps them feel they belong. Make it fun and not a "chore."
• Teach children to respect their bodies (spanking and/or hitting them is not teaching respect for their bodies). Allow the word "no" to be an acceptable, okay and safe word in your family. In a dangerous situation both could save your child's life.
• Discover and celebrate your child's unique gifts and hidden talents. We're all different and unique; it's what makes us special.
• A daily dose of love goes a long way. Give your child hugs and say, "I love you," every day.
• When a child "acts out" they are asking, (sometimes begging) for your acknowledgment, love and attention. It's up to you as the parent to figure out what's going on and why.
• Have family meetings where everyone's voice is welcome and heard (including babies). Keep them a pleasant and safe space where anything can be discussed.
• Take care of yourself. Give yourself "me" time. Whether it's a fifteen minute bath everyday, a moment to take a "time-out" or "cool-down" for a few deep breaths when you're feeling overwhelmed and stressed or an hour massage once a month. Whatever is nurturing for you.
• Establish a family ritual such as a daily evening stroll after dinner or a weekly pizza and game night. These are what create enjoyable, loving and lasting memories and give everyone something to look forward to as a family.
• Remember that children learn about the world around them from us. Not really by what we say but by what we do. What example are you setting?
• Always be on the lookout for ways to empower your child instead of taking their power away.
• Catch your child being "good" and express your appreciation.
• Talk, talk, talk. Find out what's going on. Truly listen and care. Talk with; not at and no lectures.
• Strive to have a family where everyone is equal, including babies and younger children. We're all humans worthy of acknowledgment, dignity and respect.
• Provide an environment where it's safe to feel and explore all feelings. It's how we express those feelings that may be appropriate or inappropriate. Make sure your child knows it is okay to have and experience all emotions.
• Know your child's developmental level. They may not be emotionally or neurologically capable of behaving how you are expecting them to behave.
• Diet matters. Too much sugar, caffeine (i.e. cola drinks and chocolate) and junk food can cause anyone to feel grumpy, impatient or overwhelmed.
• Provide positive opportunities for expressing and processing emotions. Offer art supplies, musical instruments, your child's favorite CD's and something to play them on, books, paper...whatever they're into and need in order to express themselves safely. Encourage and suggest tactile, interactive activities such as gardening, water play, making mud pies, looking at cloud formations, having a picnic under a tree or going for a walk.
• Provide a safe space your child can retreat to that's all their own. It doesn't have to be a whole room, just a comfy, cozy spot where they can go to relax and unwind preferably with some favorite, comforting things nearby. A safe retreat to go to can help shift the focus away from a situation that feels overwhelming or that has become too stressful to resolve in the moment and is just nice to have at any time.

These are just a few ideas to get you started. There are many more in the resources listed below and elsewhere. The bottom line is that children who are forced to live in an environment where they are under the threat of physical punishment, shame, humiliation or any other form of punishment are, on some level, existing in a constant state of fear. They are always in survival mode. Not an ideal place for a child to be.

Would you prefer to teach your children through fear or through love? There is no such thing as "loving punishment." Would you like to provide an atmosphere of constant fear or to provide a kind, loving and safe home? The choice is up to you.

The following is a list of resources I have found helpful.

Being Happy! A Handbook to Greater Confidence and Security, by Andrew Matthews.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

The Natural Child Project - an award winning website with an absolute treasure-trove of information including free, inspirational parenting cards you can pick online.
www.naturalchild.org

The Positive Discipline Series of books, by Dr. Jane Nelsen.
www.positivediscipline.com

www.onionhead.com - a fun interactive site dedicated to helping people of all ages process emotions constructively.

www.coloringtherapy.com - information and products on the healing benefits of color therapy.

For Christians who feel they must discipline for religious reasons:
www.parentinginjesusfootsteps.org - suggestions and resources on how to be a Christian parent without punishing.

Debbie Rose is an editor and sometimes writer. She is a single, stay-at-home, homeschooling mom and mother to her wonderfully inquisitive, magical and energetic son, Shane. They live in Santa Fe, New Mexico with their many dogs, cats and fish. She can be reached through her website www.supercoolbooks.com or at rosybluestar@yahoo.ca.